Thursday, January 21, 2010

Desperately In love? Or seeking an Emotional Bandaid?

I have been through some rough times in my life. Very rough. Which many cannot even begin to fathom. And at age 18, I seem to know more about the world and how easily emotions and morale can be manipulated by both the evils and the happiness within it...
I have taught myself to build walls around my core, so anyone who approaches me cannot hear the beating behind which indicates that I do indeed have a heart with the tendency to bleed for those whom I let in. Permission to access anything beyond this concrete mask of protection is exclusive and granted about as often as there is a blue moon in the sky.
Though there is a barrier, with enough hard work, dedication, and determination, one can possibly penetrate them and gain access to the thrills and chills they may only experience in their wildest dreams and fantasies...why do I write this here? Because it needs to be written. I cannot speak it. I cannot physically portray it through my art. Only my words on paper. In this case, the electronic substitution for such media will suffice.

I know many people post about love and emotional complications which they experience in the hope that someone has an answer out there for them; even some words of comfort or consolidation. This posting is more or less to shed upon you the advice and insight which I personally consider to be very helpful and useful, though I cannot take it or live by it myself.

Oh sweet sweet spiteful irony!

We all naturally feel that each one of us has their own perfect companion, waiting out there....just waiting to meet their own counterpart and experience a sense of completion: fulfillment. It is human nature to be socially driven...but many of us tend to stir around in our own thoughts and ruminate on the feeling of loneliness , making it a much more prominent and overpowering fact of life than it was initially programmed in our minds to be. Media boasts that those who are lonely are those who are forever feeling incomplete, lost, and isolated. It seems everywhere you go, there are happy couples holding hands and enjoying a deeply entwined relationship which you yourself see and long for: believing you will feel complete once you can finally obtain said coveted partnership.

Quit fooling yourself. Give yourself more credit. Live your life. Have FUN with yourself, by yourself: learn how to be your own best friend.

Though it is very very true (as many of us all know the feeling), there is nothing that can compare with the soft kiss of affection or caress of the neck from a significant other...but life has many other physical sensations that can easily surpass those experienced with the thrill of new love/being loved. I have learned long ago that dependance on affection will only act as a crutch and hinder me in my efforts to feel I have a purpose. I still seem to lose my self-esteem when I deem my only value or sense of worth as being my emotional investment and contribution to another to whom I am committed. When I am without a "purpose" or a person upon whom I can please and make happy...

I feel like I have no value to the world: I feel I have
the meaning of my existence....

I'm trying to work on it. Desperately trying to reprogram myself to value me for me and all positive aspects of who I am and what else I can do apart from making someone else happy.

A relationship is a cheap & easy, tangible solution for those of us who feel as though there is a void in our souls which we must fill to feel complete. This "I will feel whole again with the right man/woman in my life" theory is a plastic excuse-of-a-fix to this void...this gaping hole. Even after finding "the one", you still are two separate people: two beings who, as much as you may WANT to merge into one, still must find satisfaction and happiness within yourself...through yourself...for yourself. The emotional understanding and connection with another human being definitely has its value and contribution to the soothing of the open wounds of bleeding hearts...but in the end, it is not what will resolve the unsettling sense of being lost and lacking direction in your life.

Do not let the media and social pressures make you starved for the need of a here-and-now lover/relationship to feel valuable. The most important thing you can do is love yourself and stop looking for another human being to be your solution. The only solution that is real, satisfying, and permanent lies not in the need for purpose through the eyes of another, but the ability to be happy with happy with being by yourself. I find the best way to do so is to become one with nature.

Go out and feel the cool, calming kiss of the rain on
your skin or the warm caress of the sun on your face.

After all, it is in nature that man truly belongs, be it in the arms of a fellow human or completely solitary. We are all looking for happiness. Rarely does another who is busy looking for their own version of the sensation assist you in the pursuit of your own. Just be satisfied knowing you exist in a world of others looking for the same sense of purpose and fulfillment, and know you can be the band-aid to your own bleeding heart when you can finally take a look in the mirror and see the image of someone whom you know is content and living their lives to the fullest on their own accord: because...

it is not until we are content and okay with ourselves that we can really pursue our dreams and achieve the monumental feeling of utmost vivacity and pleasure.

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